Hurt
by MathemagicianSVU
Summary: C/O story. In the beginning pretty violent (not actually in details or something). Just read it :)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this is my first SVU-story. I've been reading a lot of them lately and I wanted to write one too. I hope you'll like it. I don't know how to categorize this story, because in the beginning it's rather violent, but it'll become eventually romantic. C/O.  
I do not own SVU.**

Oliva was sitting in the courtroom, waiting for the verdict of the jury. Her team was working on the case for several weeks now, and it was about to be closed in a few minutes. This guy molested lots of women, and brutally raped them, before he mutilated them. She became sick when she thought of the photos of the victims. She heard their stories so many times, she dreamed of it. It must have been a nightmare to be actually one of those women. They cannot live their lives like they used to live. Not without looking twice over their shoulder to check if they're being followed. Not without having extra locks on the door. They won't let people into their lives again, unless they are really sure this time it's not a violent man. He ruined their lives. He will have justice..

"Can I ask why miss Novak isn't absent right now?" the judge asked. "We're about to begin, but we're not allowed to do that without any ADA present."

Olivia woke up with a start from her pondering. She wondered why Casey wasn't there. Normally she was always early, but now she was nowhere to be found. She turned her head to Elliot, who was sitting next to her, who was trying to call her.

"She doesn't answer her cell. Shall we look for her?" he suggested.

* * *

In a few minutes they were at Casey's office, but when they arrived, Olivia knew something was wrong. Her office was all dark. The door was also locked, which was really weird. It didn't look like someone was being in there that day, which was pretty weird, because Casey was always at her office, when she was not in court or not at the precinct. Olivia decided to ask for a spare key. Liz Donnelly has one in case of emergency.

"Miss Donnelly, we need a spare key, miss Novak has to be in court, but she's not there. Her office is locked, so we want to get in to look around." Elliot explained to Donnelly.

"Hmm, she isn't sick or something and she didn't tell us she wasn't able to be in court. Did you try her cellphone?" Donnelly asked.

"Yes, but she doesn't answer. It goes straight to voice mail." Elliot answered.

"Okay, let's check her office then." Donnelly suggested.

They went to the office, and when Olivia entered the room, her heart stopped beating. There was blood on the walls, like there was a struggling in here or something, and behind the desk, she saw a leg. The leg that belonged to Casey. Her clothes were ripped open, and a lot of wounds were exposed. The same wounds that were on the other victims. She saw Elliot walking to Casey, feeling her pulse.

"She's got a pulse," he said slowly, before he called an ambulance.

When they arrived, Elliot told Olivia to go with Casey, and he will follow in his car, with Donnelly. When they were in the ambulance, she watched the paramedics take care of Casey. Casey revived and grabbed Olivia's hand.

"Liv.. Liv.. what.. what happened? Where am I?" she gasped, barely able to speak.

"You're in the ambulance, it will be okay, Case." Olivia squeezed softly in Casey's hand and stroked her hair, not sure if she believed her own words. She was scared to death that something would happen to Casey. She didn't like to admit, but she was really in love with her. But she didn't know that. She barely said those words, or Casey lost consciousness again. The heart monitor started beeping, which wasn't a good sign.

"BP is dropping!" one paramedic yelled. Everything that happened after that was just a big blur. Olivia could only think of how much she hoped it will be okay. Everything will be okay..

_Her thoughts drove off to yesterday. Casey had entered the precinct, walking to her desk, to tell the detectives that they almost won the case. Full life sentence for the bastard that caused this kind of trouble. She invited them in court to hear the verdict. After that they would have celebrated that they won. Casey had walked by Olivia's chair and touched her back a little. Olivia blamed herself for reading signs that weren't even there. For loving Casey each time she looked her in the eyes a little more. Those beautiful green eyes. She could only hope that they once would be Olivia's to look in. To hold Casey for hours, without letting go. Beautiful Casey. Olivia loved everything about her. Even her sarcasm.._

* * *

The hospital told Liz, Elliot and Olivia that Casey had suffered a lot. Her head was cracked, there were deep cuts in her legs and her chest, and she was raped. She has lost a lot of blood so she needed surgery. They were in there for a couple of hours now. The three weren't talking to each other. They could only wait for good news. Casey didn't deserve this. It wasn't her fault that man went all wrong, molesting those women, raping them. Casey will be scarred for life and the perp will go to jail anyway. Why did he do this to her? The surgeon entered the room to update them.

"She's asleep now, but she needs to be under surveillance a couple of nights. We lost her a few times, but she's stable now. You can visit her, if she's awake. The nurse will tell you.." and he was gone again. No questions.

An hour after the surgeon left, a nurse entered the room to tell them Casey was awake. Only one person could join her, because she wasn't allowed to have too much company. So Olivia was the first to join Casey.

When she entered Casey's room, she was a little shocked. Casey looked terrible. There were bandages on her head, her eyes were swollen, and her whole body had bandages. You could see she was in a lot of pain. But Casey didn't complain. Never.

"Liv.." Casey mumbled. Olivia sat down next to the bed and grabbed Casey's hand and stroked her hair again.

"Everything will be okay, Case. They told us it will be okay." Olivia whispered. "Do you know what happened?"

Tears began to ran down Casey's face. "I was at my office last night, to finish the final sentence of the case, when the perp came in. He closed my door with my own key and told me not to scream. He told me nobody could actually hear me, because I was working late and everybody was gone. I tried to escape, but when I did, he grabbed me and threw me to the walls.. I fell down and he.. he.. ripped my clothes off.. and.. raped me.. after that he got his knife and cut me in my chest and thighs.. That's when I passed out.." she started to cry for real now. Olivia took her in her arms to console her.


	2. Chapter 2

A couple of days later Casey was allowed to leave the hospital under a few conditions: she couldn't stay home alone and she had to take a lot of medication to fully recover. She didn't know what to do, because she has no family in town and she has no boyfriend or husband or something. So when Olivia heard that Casey couldn't leave the hospital if she hadn't anyone to take care of her, she volunteered. Actually, Olivia didn't knew if she wanted to. It meant that she had to help her with everything, all day long. Not that she didn't like to spend time with Casey.. On the contrary, she wanted to spend as much time with Casey as she could. Only, she couldn't trust herself, because she knew she would fall in love with Casey even more, if that was even possible. If would be like being with her, but it would also be very painful, because it'll remind her of the things she cannot have.

"Are you gonna help me pack my things or are you going to wait for it to do it itself?" Casey asked. She was a little helpless, because her arms hurt and are fully covered with bandages, so she wasn't really able to move that much.

"Oh, I'm sorry, just over thinking things." Olivia smiled.

"You want to talk about it?" Casey asked. Olivia shook her head. "Nah, I don't think so."

* * *

That night, they were fully installed at Casey's home. Olivia decided to just stay at Casey's for a while, sleeping in the guestroom. If Casey needed something, she could help any time. Olivia also took off a few days from work, so she wouldn't have to travel between Casey's and work. Besides, she had plenty of free days, so she could afford it.

"So, tell me, what were you thinking about this afternoon? It seems you're in love or something," Casey joked. Olivia turned all red.

"Well eh.. yeah, maybe, but I don't want to talk about it.." Olivia mumbled.

"Ah, come on, you can tell me. We are friends, right?" Casey smiled, nudging Olivia's side.

"Yes, we are, but you will be shocked if I told you, so I won't." Olivia smiled this time. She didn't want to hurt Casey more than she already was, but she didn't want to tell it either. This would become awkward between the two, and they had to stay this incredibly long time together.

"So, what's the meal going to look like?" Olivia asked, trying to change the subject. It worked, because Casey didn't ask about it anymore.

* * *

That evening they watched a movie together, but Casey fell asleep, against Olivia's shoulder. Olivia didn't mind that much, because Casey looked adorable when she was asleep. When the movie ended, Casey woke up.

"Huh, what, was I asleep?" she muttered. "I don't want to leave this couch, I'm too comfortable right now." she snuggled a little closer to Olivia.

"Case, you have to go to your bed.." Olivia sighed a little reluctant. She shove her hands under Casey's back and legs and lifted her up. She walked to Casey's room and put her into her bed. When she was sure Casey was okay that way, she made sure Casey took her medication and turned around to leave Casey's room. But that's when Casey grabbed Olivia's arm.

"Where are you going? You can't leave me. With you I feel save." she rambled.

"Case, you're not being clear-headed." Olivia answered, but tears ran down Casey's face. "No, I mean it, I can't sleep alone. I don't want to have nightmares. When you're with me, I don't have them. You have to protect me, Liv. Please."  
Olivia felt so sorry for Casey, she couldn't refuse.

"Alright, Case, but first I have to clean myself up a little and get my stuff. Can you wait for a minute?" Olivia sighed. How could she sleep next to this beautiful, nice, sad, but so strong woman without feeling anything? _Damn it, where did I get myself into?_

A few minutes later she lay herself down next to Casey, who was waiting for her, unfortunately. Olivia hoped she fell asleep in the meanwhile, so she could go to sleep in her own bed, but it was no avail. So she was laying there, with her back to Casey, just to not look at her. Her beautiful eyes, her beautiful lips, her beautiful nose, her beautiful red hair. I obviously use the word beautiful too frequently in my head, but I really mean it. There are actually no good words to describe how pretty Casey is.

A moment later, Olivia heard Casey crying. She turned around to face Casey, who was sobbing with tears. Olivia put her arm around Casey and pulled her into her, stroking her hair. She noticed Casey liked it, because she calmed down because of the act.

"Liv, how's anyone ever gonna like me and doesn't scare away from my mutilated body?" she gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So I hope you liked the last two chapters. Enjoy next one. Reviews are welcome :) I want to know when I can do better or something.  
I saw in the last chapters were some spaces I didn't make, like just in random words. I hope it doesn't bother you too much. I'm also not a native English speaker, I do not often speak English, so I h ope you don't mind about that too much either. If I'm making major mistake s, I want to know. So, let's go from where we ended.**

Olivia didn't know what to say. Casey wa s so insecure, but should Olivia tell ho w she felt about her? That she did n' t m ind how scarred she was, as lon he sta ye d the Casey she was. Of course s he's go nna change because of her at tack, b ut O livia didn't care. She wanted to k now t hat Casey shouldn't be afraid of s caring away people, but she knew t hat C asey w ouldn't feel the way about Olivia as she did for Casey. In her return, Ol ivia wo uld scare Casey away, and i t's not t he perfect time to scare her a way . She ne eded Olivia right now.

"It will be okay, right? If guys don't l ike you because of your scars, they're n ot worth you anyway." Olivia assured. Casey seemed a little reassured, but Olivia knew her worry wasn't gone. It would chase her. Casey turned away from Olivia to sleep, but Olivia wasn't able to sleep. She thought of her possibility to tell Casey how she felt about her. Soon she dozed off, and dreamed about it.

_"I don't mind about your scars, Case. You're beautiful enough." while she carefully stroked one of the stitched wounds. She saw Casey shudder, but it didn't hurt so much she couldn't bear the pain. "I'm in love with you for a long time now. You should know that." Olivia whispered. "You can count on me, no matter what." Casey just stared into Olivia's eyes. Olivia didn't know exactly what her eyes said. Was she scared? Maybe relieved? Mad? Out of the sudden Casey brushed her lips against Olivia's. It was a very soft delicate kiss. She soon deepened the kiss. "I've waited for this.. a long time." Casey whispered in between two kisses. She was about to slide her hand under Casey's shirt.._

"Stop.. STOP.. Help!" Casey screamed. Olivia, for an instant not knowing what was wrong, under the impression that the dream was real, thought that it was her fault Casey screamed. Soon realizing it wasn't, but Casey was having a bad dream. Olivia tried to wake Casey, but she started beating her.

"CASEY, it's okay, you're having a nightmare. Wake up!" Olivia said to Casey. She slightly shook Casey, when she finally woke up, looking terrified.

"What.. what happened? Did I beat you?" Olivia's lip was bleeding.

"It's okay Case, you can't help it." Olivia assured the scared redhead. "I don't mind, I've had worse injuries."

Olivia took Casey in her arms to comfort her. She slightly kissed the top of her head.

"I will make you a warm glass of milk with honey, that will calm you down a little." Olivia suggested. She stood up and went to the kitchen.

She saw a note on the refrigerator. She recognized her own handwriting. It was a note she wrote to Casey a few months ago. It didn't say more than just Casey's name. Rather odd, Olivia thought. Why would she keep such thing? She didn't love Olivia back, did she? That couldn't be possible. As far as Olivia knew, Casey didn't like women. To think of it, Olivia didn't exactly know about Casey's sexual interest. She only knew about her ex-fiance Charlie, but after that, she never heard of another mister Novak or something. She decided not to think about it anymore, and headed to Casey's room to give her the milk. When she got there, Casey was already asleep again. She looked peaceful now, but Olivia decided to keep an eye on her for a while. She was used to a little sleep.

* * *

Next morning Casey woke up Olivia.

"What note?" she asked, smiling a little.

"Huh, what are you talking about?" Olivia mumbled, half asleep.

"You were talking about a note.. For half an hour now, I think. It seems to bother you." she teased. Olivia was a little shocked. What did she have to say now? The truth?

"There is a note on your fridge. It's mine. But it's old and useless.. I wondered why it's still there." she muttered. Casey froze a little.

"Dunno, I like the way you write my name." she answered, a little worried now.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: A short one this time. Have fun. :)**

"I think I want to take a bath right now.. I'm really cold, and I haven't wash myself in two weeks. I feel a little filthy." Casey said. "But I don't think I'm able to do it myself, so you have to help me."

"That's okay." she said as she walked to the bathroom to prepare the tub. She figured that she wanted some rest, so she chose some calming oils, and some bath foam.

"Your bath is ready, I'm gonna close my eyes, so you can get into the bath." Olivia yelled at Casey. Casey entered the room, and Olivia couldn't stop herself from peeking a little. She really liked what she was seeing, except of the wounds. Those horrible wounds. That bastard.

"You're peeking, Liv. I can see that." she giggled. "I don't mind, it's okay. I trust you." Olivia opened her eyes. Casey smiled at her. "Horrible, isn't it?" she asked seriously. Olivia could tell Casey was acting tough when it came to her wounds. Except of yesterday evening, when Casey told her that nobody would like her body like this.

"Can you stay here, when I'm in the bath? I don't want to be alone. I know it has to be annoying for you to say all the time, but I really don't want to think about what happened to me. With you I'm less scared." Casey stumbled.

"Sure I will. I'm not annoyed. I love you. You're my friend. You can count on me, and so on." Olivia assured Casey. She saw Casey's tears, and she walked to her to wipe them away. "You deserve to be looked out for. Don't cry."

Half an hour later Casey was still in the bath, but the tension totally changed. They talked about all kinds of stuffs and joked around.

"Pull my finger?" Casey giggled. Olivia stood up a walked to the bath, while she reached out for Casey's hand, but Casey grabbed it and pulled her into bath. Olivia, still in clothes, was soaking wet, laying on Casey's chest. Her bare chest. Olivia was not wearing any bra her nipples got hard. They were visible to Casey.

"Are you just cold or are you really aroused right now?" Casey asked, without a sign of shame. Olivia froze a little. How would she be able to save her ass this time? There was no way out. "Eh.. I.. You.." But Casey silenced Olivia with a kiss. She captured Olivia's lips with her own, and ran her tongue across her lower lip, asking for entrance. Olivia gave in to the kiss and fought for dominance. After a few minutes, Casey broke the kiss and took Olivia in her arms, caressing her hair and back.

"I'm in love with you for a while now. But this is completely new for me. I've never been in love with a woman before." Casey confessed to Olivia.

"Me neither. You're my first woman to fall in love with." she replied. "I really missed you the years you were censured. Suddenly you were gone, without a farewell or something. You just disappeared. I missed you so much, I can not even explain with words how much."

"I'm sorry for disappearing.. I really regret it. After all those years. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to leave you like that. I didn't even know how you felt about me. I thought it was just me." Casey whispered. Olivia kissed some of Casey's wounds.

"I don't scare away from your wounds. Just so you know. You don't have to be ashamed of me." Olivia told Casey. She brushed her lips against Casey's neck. Casey moaned a little.

"We can't.. you know.. have sex right now. I'm having too much pain. Down there." Casey whispered, barely audible. Olivia understood. "I know. That's why we're not gonna do anything right now." She pressed her lips against Casey's. "But I love to kiss your soft lips. You're beautiful, Case." She deepened the kiss again.


	5. Chapter 5

A few days later Casey could take care of herself again, because she was doing better by that time. Olivia decided to go home and started working again. Casey en Olivia decided together they wanted to take it really slow, because of the things that happened lately. They had to figure out what they exactly feel for each other, and what they really want. They thought it would be better if they stayed apart for a while, so Casey could sort out her own problems about the attack. She could finally sleep alone again. It cost her a few days, but it finally worked. At work, Olivia didn't tell anybody about her "thing" with Casey. She wanted it to be a secret. What if it didn't work out? She didn't even know if she really liked women. As far as she knew, she liked men. Of course she was sometimes attracted by women, but nothing more than that, right? She didn't see her future with a woman. No, she didn't foresee this. But she didn't have the chance the really develop a relationship with a man either. She dated once in a while, but mostly her flirts didn't like her work. That thought it was really creepy to work with raped women and stuff. So she didn't think about dating women, because dating men didn't work out either. That was a little weird. But seemed also legit.

Because of Casey's absence at the DA's office, she was temporarily replaced by ADA Alexandra Cabot. She wasn't as good as Casey, in Olivia's opinion, but also a good friend of hers. She liked to talk to her about this and that, but was really different at her job, than Casey. Not that Olivia always liked Casey's ways to solve things. On the contrary, she didn't like her at first. Olivia had to admit: they did give Casey a hard time in the beginning. Maybe that was also because of Alex' 'death' that they didn't like her replacement anyway.

She put her hand in her pocket. Casey's spare key of her apartment was in her pocket, in case something would happen. And she could enter to check on her in the evening. She also didn't have to ring the bell to visit. That evening was her plan to visit Casey with some Chinese food or something. Or maybe Italian, which she liked better.

That evening, Olivia headed to Casey's apartment. She didn't want to scare Casey, so she called her first. She didn't answer the phone, which was rather odd. But Olivia thought that she was maybe taking a bath or something, so she went in anyway. When she entered the apartment, she knew something was wrong. The lights were turned off and the curtains closed. Before she could get her gun, she felt something hit her head. She smacked against the wall. A guy bound her wrists and ankles together with tape, so she wasn't able to move. She felt a warm fluid on her shoulder. Blood.

"Where's Casey? What have you done to her?" she asked, a little panicky. What if he..

"You don't recognize me, do you? I'm the brother of the man you're locking up for assaulting those women." he smirked. "Why so worried? Is she your girlfriend?" he mocked, kicking Olivia's stomach. "Lay down, otherwise I have to kill you too."

"Wh-what? You killed her?" Olivia barely made a sound, she was so terrified what he said was true. Casey was dead. That couldn't be true. That couldn't be possible.

"No, but she will be dead soon. She's bleeding like a pig." He grabbed her collar and lifted her up. He brought her to Casey's bedroom. She saw her sitting against the bed, but she was collapsing. She lost a lot of blood, Olivia could tell. She was deathly pale. The man dropped Olivia on the ground, next to Casey, throwing a towel.

"Here, push that to the wound." he snapped. Olivia did. She saw a big bloody stain, and a pool of blood. When she pressed her hands on the wound, she felt warmth. Casey took her hand, but Olivia could feel she was weak. She may be not to long in there, but she lost enough blood to be in danger.

"I have to make a phone call. Stay here." as if she had another choice than to stay there, Olivia thought.

"Case, it will be okay." she whispered to Casey, while she squeezed her hand. "It will be okay, right?" she kept whispering, not truly believing what she said.

She felt in her pockets with her bounded wrists. She found her cell phone. She dialed Fin's number. His home was closest to Casey's.

"Fin, I'm at Casey's, there's a man in here, he's keeping us hostage, you have to get some help. Casey is wounded." she whispered fast, but the man entered the room again.

"What the heck are you doing? You're not allowed to make phone calls! GIVE ME THAT THING!" he yelled, and he beat Olivia's head, so hard she almost lost consciousness. She felt really dizzy right now. He grabbed her cell phone and threw it to the wall, where it smacked into pieces.

"Now tell me, who did you call?" he snapped.

"Nobody." Olivia lied. "I tried to call, but nobody answered before you came in."

That's when Casey passed out. Olivia tried to feel her pulse, but she was too unstable to sit still. She thought she felt something, but it was so weak, that she was barely alive. Olivia's fear grew stronger and stronger. She didn't want to lose Casey. She started panicking, which was really unlike Olivia, because she almost never panicked. She wanted Casey to get help.

"If you let her go, get an ambulance, you can have me." Olivia tried. "I'm a detective of the NYPD, if she dies you're in big trouble. Please take me and let her go."

**Cliffhangerrr. I'm sorry :)**


	6. Chapter 6

Next time Olivia knew, she was in the trunk of a car, not able to move. The bastard had drugged her, so she couldn't move. She heard sirens outside and felt the car moving, which indicates they were chasing the perp's car. She heard shooting outside. A moment later she felt a stabbing pain in her arm, followed by warm fluids. The was shot, through the car. She couldn't yell or something. It was possible they didn't know she was in there. She could only hope they wouldn't hit her again. That's when she passed out.

"Liv, you're gonna be okay.. Hold on.." she heard, but it sounded really far away. She dozed off again.

* * *

Olivia opened her eyes. She was in the hospital, obviously. Her head hurt. Everything was a little blurry. She had bandages on her head and her arm was stitched. She heard the beeping of the heart monitor and had an IV, which was for extra blood or something. The light hurt her eyes and head. A nurse entered the room.

"Ah, finally, you're awake." she smiled.

"How long have I been unconscious?" she asked.

"Ah, it's been two days since.. you know." she said. "You were lucky. We were on time to save you, otherwise you bled out to death."

Olivia took a deep breath, which hurt her rib cage. Then she remembered what happened.

"Casey, is she okay? Did she make it? I tried to save her.." she said anxiously. The nurse didn't look so happy.

"Yeah, she's alive, but she's comatose. We don't know if she will make it. She lost a lot of blood." she told Olivia, who had tears in her eyes.

"It's my fault. I shouldn't have got back to work that early. I should have protected her." The nurse walked to Olivia.

"It's not your fault. That bastard had no right to do those things. It's his fault. Don't you dare blaming yourself." she said, patting Olivia's healthy arm.

"Can I see her?" Olivia asked.

"I don't think you're able to move right now. The doctor is going to run some test on you and you have to rest." she said. When she saw Olivia's eyes, full of guilt and worry, she suggested: "I can look what I can do for you to see her. She isn't sharing a room yet, so maybe we can move you there."

She walked away, when the doctor came to check on her.

* * *

A couple of hours later she was in the same room as Casey. She didn't look like herself. She looked a little like she was already dead. Death pale and no sign of life in her body. There were a hell of a lot machines beside her bed. Casey wasn't able to breath on her own, but she wasn't brain dead, which was, in her situation, a relatively good sign. She had a chance of waking up, but it was not likely. Olivia could do nothing but look at her and hope she would wake up. She felt so sorry for her. She went to Casey's bed and lay down next to her, wrapping her arm around her stomach. She whispered in Casey's ear, hoping she could hear her:

"You have to be alright, Case. I love you. You cannot leave me like this."

She grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Please." She dozed off again.

* * *

"Don't you think this is really cute?" Munch said.

"Yeah, I like girl-on-girl." Fin said.

Olivia slowly opened her eyes. Blushing like hell. She was so embarrassed she get caught in this position. How did she get out of this?

"She's looking like a deer in the headlights." Munch laughed. "Explain yourself, detective Benson. Why this inappropriate attitude?"

"As if you think it's inappropriate. You're just jealous. Perverts." She rolled her eyes and tried to get off the bed, but failed. Her leg was numb, so she almost fell on the ground. She stumbled back to her own bed.

"So, did you catch the bastard?" she asked.

"Yeah, he's in prison right now. We hope he's getting life, and we have a good chance of getting that. Cabot is working on it. She visited you when you were out, you know." Fin told. "She's really upset."

After Fin and Munch left, Cabot entered the room.

"So I heard you're awake." she said.

"Yeah, alive and kicking." she smiled. Olivia looked better at Cabot, but she looked like she cried. "What's up, Alex?"

"I.. eh. I saw you.. you know.. Lying next to Casey.. I-I didn't know you were into women.." she said. She looked like she was on the edge of breaking down.

Olivia didn't know what to do. Should she admit it or just deny it?

"I didn't know it either. I'm still sorting it out." speaking very quietly. But suddenly, Alex kissed her, softly and gently, until she pulled back.

"I've loved you for a long time. How didn't you see that?" she asked, tears flowing down her face. "Don't you like me? What does she have that I don't?"

"It's not.. She is.. I didn't know." Olivia replied, looking at the ground. All those times, Alex looked her in the eyes. There was a tension between them. She always liked that tension, but she didn't think of it as any sexual interest. She thought Alex was really sexy, but she never thought of her like that. She finally looked Alex in the eyes, wiping her tears away.

"I didn't realize it." she whispered. "Maybe I should have realized it earlier. I don't know. But I'm in love with Casey right now."

"Yeah, I figured. But she might not wake up." she said. It wasn't cold as she could be. You could see she felt sorry for Olivia. She wrapped her arms around Olivia, stroking her back. "I hope she'll be okay." she whispered in Olivia's ear. Tears ran down Olivia's face. She couldn't handle Casey not waking up anymore. Dying. She was terrified. Alex seemed so strong in this kind of situations. How did she do that? Alex wiped away Olivia's tears and kissed her forehead, but Olivia kissed Alex back. Their lips brushing against each other's. Alex deepened the kiss. Adrenaline rushed through Olivia's veins. She ran her fingers through Alex's hair, and stroked her back.

Then the nurse she saw earlier entered the room, a little shocked of what was happening right now. Alex and Olivia pulled away from the kiss and Alex rushed away.

"Not that it's my business or something, but I thought she was the one you loved?" she pointed at Casey.

"Yeah, she is. I lost myself, I guess."

"I'll pretend I didn't see anything." she winked before she went away again.

Olivia couldn't believe it. A couple of weeks ago she didn't even know she liked women, and now she had two women loving and kissing her. She thought a little about it and dozed off again.

**A/N: Don't worry, she will choose Casey, but it's not gonna be easy.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Second this day. I like writing, you know. :) Enjoy!**

It's been a week now since Olivia was in the hospital. She was still not able to leave the hospital, because her arm got infected and she's got an open wound now, which the doctors wanted to observe. Worst thing was that she had sepsis, which caused her to vomit all the time. She had a fever, so she didn't feel that well. Since the "incident" with Alex, she didn't show up anymore. Olivia didn't know she was embarrassed or something else. The nurse didn't come up with it again, so she thought it might be better if nobody knew about it. Casey was still comatose, which was not a good sign. Her chances of surviving it are really low now. Olivia talked to her, hoping she would wake up some time. That was the one good things about sepsis: she could stay with Casey. She didn't want to leave her anymore. Last time she did, she got attacked by the man who did this all to them.

"He has gotten life, you know." Alex said, walking into the room. Speaking of the devil, Olivia thought.

"I was just thinking about him. That was fast." she remarked.

"Yeah, he assaulted two officers of the law, so.. You know the story." she winked. "I thought, I come tell it myself, instead of giving other peoples the favor of seeing your face when you heard it. He's just convicted. I went right away from there. I thought maybe I could pick up some food and celebrate it? We can eat here, of course. I heard your visit was extended, because of an infection or something?"

"Yeah, and sepsis. So I'm having a fever and stuff." Olivia said, a little overwhelmed by the many talking of the Counselor. She didn't know how to exactly behave. If she should ask Alex why she didn't show up all week or not. If she had to bring up the kiss or not. Olivia didn't want to get things at a higher level with Alex. Actually she just wanted to be friends, not knowing of the amazing crush Alex had on Olivia. It made things that were so easy so incredibly complicated. She just wanted Casey to wake up again, so she didn't have to tell Alex she didn't want to be with her. Why did she have to tell herself she didn't want Alex anyway? She didn't need to reassure herself, did she? Did she just admit to herself she felt the tension Alex was talking about too? _Damn it, _she thought.

"Are you okay? You seem pale. And you're thinking, I can see that in your face." Alex said, slightly smiling. That smile was really rare, because she didn't smile that much. In court, she was better known as the ice queen. That was not really a bad thing. Some people would call it sexy. Some people would call it scary. Olivia didn't know what she thought. She was a great kisser, right. But she would never have the same feelings for Alex as for Casey. Or not? She didn't know. She thought it was anyhow frigging scary to commit yourself to one another, and live the rest of your life with that someone. She didn't know if she could make that kind of choice. If she was able to live her life together with one person. She barely had relationships, because people didn't want to date anymore, when they found out what she was doing for a living.

She looked up, and noticed Alex was gone. She didn't see or hear her leaving. She must have thought to hard. Sometimes she didn't understand herself either. Just thinking and not noticing anything. Could be really dangerous. But side affects of sepsis were also confusion. Maybe that's why she is so confused about everything. Healthy Olivia would have made the choice, probably. She shouldn't have kissed Alex. It was not fair to treat Casey like that, also if she didn't wake up anymore. She didn't know if Casey would want to pull the plug. She sincerely hoped that wouldn't be necessary. Alex was back again, she noticed.

After dinner, when Alex was about to leave, she tried to kiss Olivia again. Olivia made her choice, she didn't want Alex. She was never in love with Alex. She was in love with Casey. She pushed Alex away.

"Alex. This is a mistake. I wasn't myself when I kissed you last week. I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Olivia said. Alex took a few steps back.

"It's not fair to let me believe you liked me too. You shouldn't have kissed me. And why are you doing this? Because of the one in the bed next to you? Wake up, Olivia! She will not wake up anymore. The odds are really low. You should know that. Besides, I'm a lot better for you than she. A better lawyer. You didn't even like Novak in the beginning, when I was in witness protection. We were always friends. We could talk about things, have that tension. Why won't you choose me?" she yelled.

"Because I'm not in love with her. You had your chance once. You could have told me years ago, but you didn't. I chose Casey and I won't undo it. We could still be friends, if you want." Olivia said, really calmly, but Alex stormed away from the room.

* * *

That night she woke up. I took her really long to fall asleep, because of the fight with Alex. She didn't ask for all of this. But she wondered what got her awake. She heard something.

"Liv.. Liv.." someone gasped. It took a few seconds to realize that was Casey. Olivia got up to walk to Casey. She sat down next to Casey.

"I'm here, Case. Are you okay?" she asked, carefully. She stroked her hair with one hand, and with the other she held Casey's hand.

"Wh-where am I?"

"You're at the hospital. A week and a half ago we were attacked. You were comatose." she stroked Casey's hand with her thumb. "I promised I would call the doctor in charge when you were awake. I'm on the same room as you. I'll be right back."

"Wait.. I.. love.. you.." she gasped, barely able to talk, because of the tube. "This.. hurts.."

A few minutes later the doctor came in.

"You were very lucky, miss Novak. Normally a person would survive this kind of injuries. Certainly not when you got attacked twice in a row. I have to do some check-ups. Do I have to send miss Benson away?" Casey shook her head.

"Can.. you get rid.. of this tube?" she gasped. "It hurts.."

After a few check-ups, Casey was declared all well. No major injuries and she will fully recover.

**A/N: Yeah, she's awake. But you know some comatose people hear everything while they're out..**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm having exams this week and last week, so I'm not gonna write that much. I'm sure nobody really cares, lol. I'm having a bit of a writer's block or something, because I don't know where my story is heading right now. I don't know if I want to precede anyway, so if someone wants me to go on with the story, let me hear it. :) I think Casey and Olivia are getting closer from now on.**

It's been a few weeks since Casey's attack and rape, and she's psychically almost recovered. Olivia and Casey haven't been dating for a while, because they wanted to have Casey sorted things out. Olivia had her doubts that Casey had to spend her time on her own, except of talking about it. The only time she talked about her rape was right after it to Olivia, and that was just after her attack, before they admitted to each other that they were having romantic feelings. Next week Casey was allowed to work again, but Olivia was worried she was mentally not able to work again. Handle the rapes of other women. She decided to check on Casey that evening, after work, to get some food together or something.

That evening, Olivia went to Casey's apartment with a bag of Italian food. She knocked on the door and after a few minutes, Casey opened the door. She looked stunning, even though she wore just sweatpants and low-cut top. Casey looked surprised.

"What are you doing here, Liv? I didn't expect you here." she said, not too enthusiastically.

"I thought we could eat something together. We haven't talked to each other for a long time. I got Italian food, is that okay for you?"

"Yeah, sure." she shrugged. "Come in."

Casey got two plates and cutlery and they sat down at the table. They started eating, but there was a little awkward silence.

"So, how have you been?" Olivia asked, looking into Casey's eyes, but Casey looked away. She seemed like she's been crying all day. Olivia took her hand, but Casey took it back. "What's up, honey?"

"As if you don't know what's up. I've been raped and attacked, twice. And you.. you.."

"What did I do, Case? Tell me."

"You kissed that stupid ice cold.. Alexandra Cabot. First I'm not good enough for SVU, because she died and was nicer and stuff. And now, after all those years, I thought I had you to love me back. And then you decide that you actually like her more than me. I know she's hotter than I am, has more attitude than I will ever have, and so on, but I didn't expect you to choose me, before stabbing me in the back, when I was comatose. That was really low of you, Benson!" Casey cried. Tears ran down her face. "You kicked me when I was already down."

Olivia didn't know what to say. She didn't expect Casey to actually see Alex and Olivia kissing. She regretted it, of course, but in her mind it didn't mean anything.

"Case, I didn't mean to kiss Alex. Really, I'm speaking the truth. And I'm truly sorry, if it made you upset. I don't love Alex. I love.. love you.. And I think you're really beautiful. More beautiful in the way she will never be." Olivia stood up and walked to Casey. She took her in her arms to comfort her, but Casey tried to push Olivia away.

"You let me down when I needed you. Go away, Olivia. You ruined it. How can I ever trust you again?"

She stood up and walked to the living room, to sit down on the couch. She was devastated. Olivia cursed herself for kissing Alex. She didn't want to. She didn't mean to. Her loyalty didn't belong to Alex, but to Casey. Olivia walked to Casey and sat down next to Casey.

"What can I do to make it up to you? I love you, Case. I really do. And I only love you, no one else." She took Casey in her arms again, who let her this time. She cried, and cried.

"He raped me. His brother almost killed me. Almost killed you." She pulled Olivia really close. "I almost lost you because of that bastard, and after that I almost lost you because of the stupid bitch. She's always better at everything than me. How could she ever do that to me? Taking you from me. You didn't.. sleep with her, did you?" Casey looked really afraid.

"Of course not. Like I told you. I don't love her. I love you. I'm saving my woman-virginity for you, you know. When you're ready." Olivia assured Casey. She kissed her soft on her forehead and stroked her hair out of her face and wiped off her tears. "I know we have to give it some time to trust me again and so on, but will you give me another chance?"

"Maybe.." Casey said. Olivia pouted. "Okay, I'll do it. I'll give you another chance. But if you screw up again, I won't be so forgiving."

Olivia almost hugged Casey to death.

"I won't screw up this time. I promise." She kissed Casey. Casey kissed back and deepened the kiss. "Can I stay with you tonight?"

Casey tangled her fingers in Olivia's hair.

"Yeah, okay. I love snuggling into you." she smiled. Olivia loved that smile. She ran her finger across her bottom lip.

"I love your smile. I love your lips." She ran her finger across her jaw to the spot below her ear. "I love your neck." She ran her finger lower, across her collarbone, between her breasts, over her stomach, ending right above the band of her sweats. She ran her finger horizontally across her stomach, which made Casey shiver. Olivia looked Casey in the eyes, to get permission. Casey nodded, but stood up.

"Let's get to bed." she breathed. She took Olivia's hands and guided her to her room. Casey started kissing Olivia, very passionately, blindly looking for the hem of Olivia's shirt. She slipped her hands under Olivia's shirt and started to unhook her bra. She undid Olivia's shirt and bra, pulling away from the kiss for a second, but going on in Olivia's neck. She kissed, licked and bit her earlobe, leaving traces of kisses down her chest, slightly pushing Olivia on the bed, running her hands up her thighs, unhooking the pants. When Olivia lay down, Casey pulled off Olivia's shoes and pants, leaving Olivia almost naked, except of one small piece of thin fabric. She laid Olivia down at the middle of the bed, so she could straddle Olivia and went on from where she stopped, flicking her tongue over Olivia's nipple, massaging the other with her other hand, while softly caressing Olivia's inner thigh. Olivia got rid of Casey's clothes too, so they were both only wearing their panties.

Olivia flipped Casey over, so now Olivia was on top of Casey, leaving traces of wet kisses across her neck, chest a stomach. With the tip of her tongue, she ran across the hem of Casey's panties, which caused Casey to shiver. Olivia could tell she was really aroused, because her eyes were half-open, and she was almost breathless. Olivia hooked her fingers into her panties and pulled them down. Olivia went back to Casey's lips, kissing her gently.

"Are you sure, sweety?" she whispered in Casey's ear. Casey nodded, before Olivia kissed Casey again, first really soft, but then very passionate. She rubbed Casey's clit. Casey moaned and ran her hands across Olivia's back. Olivia watched carefully to see how Casey would react and tuned to her needs, which made Casey scream Olivia's name and fall into a million pieces when she came. Casey pulled Olivia close and scratched her back with her nails, when she came. Olivia spooned against Casey, stroking her inner arm when she regained her breath.

"I love you." Casey said softly. "That was amazing. I was scared I wasn't able to.. you know.. Because of the rape."

"You did it." Olivia whispered, kissing Casey. "I love you too."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So, Casey and Olivia brought their relationship to a new level. I don't know where I'm going from here, so we'll see. Hope you like it. :)  
****Wow, I saw I wrote "psychically" last chapter. That was supposed to be "physically". You're all allowed to make fun of me for that. That's horrible. But I wrote it, like all the other chapters, in the middle of the night, so I'm not fully awake anymore. Hope you don't mind. :)****  
**

The next few weeks Casey en Olivia were doing well in their relationship. They dealt with Casey's attack. Casey went to therapy to talk about the rape and assault, and she was really progressing. She didn't have to look over her shoulder, like a hundred times. Now she had to do it only ten times. In a manner of speaking of course. They had every night dinner in each other's company, and they slept together. At night, Casey didn't like to be alone, so Olivia stayed over a lot. She didn't mind. She also liked she could come home to someone, talk through the day, and so on. There was only one thing not going so well. They haven't made love since that first time.

Also, they haven't told anyone about their relationship yet, because they thought it was better to develop the relationship first, and see where it goes. They also kept it a secret that they stayed at each other's homes every night. It was not easy, but really worth it. Olivia thought it was really scary to tell anybody about their relationship, because then their relationship was official. Of course, it was now, but nobody knew. She wasn't really committed to Casey. Although she was. She loved being with Casey, but she was scared of other people knowing they were together. She didn't know herself she was into women before.

"Liv, I'm home!" Casey called. Olivia didn't hear Casey, because she was too deep in thought. So Olivia was really surprised when she saw Casey.

"Oh, hey, sweety. I didn't hear you enter the apartment." she kissed Casey's lips, but she noticed something was different. "What's up? You look weird."

She caught a glimpse of the time. "And you're late too."

"Oh, yeah, I was in therapy you know.. And I met this girl.. She's really nice. I can really talk to her, you know. She knows about being low. Really low. We went for a drink together.. and I must have forgotten the time or something.." she stumbled.

"Wow, what did you do? You are stumbling and stuff. It's nothing like you to stutter. You're always so good with words." Olivia said. She noticed Casey was a bit nervous.

"I, eh. I don't know. I really like her."

"You mean, _like _her? Or just like her?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know." Casey said, looking at her shoes, trying to avoid Olivia's gaze. "I'm sorry. I have just never been in love with a woman before. It's just that I found out a little while ago. Or something. It's like my head wants to make up the time I didn't know I liked women."

"I understand. Like Alex and me.. a while ago.. Did you.. kiss her?"

"No, no.. but I think about it, I have to admit." Casey tried to take Olivia in her arms. "I'm so sorry, Liv."

Olivia pulled away from Casey. It was not like she really blamed Casey. Olivia had to admit she thought of Alex more than she liked, but she tried so push that feeling away. She had to love Casey. She loved Casey, but her head messed with her. She didn't know what to do about it. She never thought about telling Casey about her feelings for Alex. She thought those feelings were only temporary. They would go away, eventually.

"Maybe it's better we spend some time apart from each other." Olivia said, tears burning in her eyes. She heard Casey starting to sob. Her heart broke. She didn't want Casey to cry. So she turned around and took Casey in her arms.

"I'm sorry, sweety. I thought you maybe wanted to sort things out or something. Wanted to figure things out." Olivia whispered. "I thought you meant you wanted to leave me. That that was what you wanted to tell me. I don't want to leave you." she tangled her fingers in Casey's hair.

"I don't want to leave you. You make me feel save. I don't know what I wanted to tell you. I don't know.." she cried and cried. "It's just.. I wanted to tell you the truth."

"It's okay. It all will be okay. You can talk to me about everything. I've been low too, you know."

"I know. It's just.. I don't know.. I don't want to lose you over this. But it's also like the only thing that connects us is my attack." Casey admitted.

Casey said that one thing Olivia feared the most. She thought this through. Casey needed Olivia in time of the rape. But if she left everything behind her? Solved her problems, learned to deal with it.. She wasn't needed anymore. Olivia could leave. Olivia didn't want to, but she was afraid it was reality.

"I know. I thought this through. I don't know what we have to do. Maybe we have to let each other go for a while. See if the feelings remain." Olivia didn't like to say it, but she did. She thought it was best, although she really hated this solution.

"But.. I don't want to stay alone at night. I'm so scared. You at least have to sleep in the guest room. Otherwise I can't sleep. Will you do that for me? As long as I'm afraid..?"

"Yeah, I think that's okay. But as soon as you're not afraid anymore, I will leave. I think that's the best."

**A/N: Oh I'm so sorry they broke up. It's just that I had a writer's block. And I thought it was best to let them both figure their feelings out. So.. I'm sorry guys. Hope you don't mind too much. ^^  
Oh, in general, I'm not so proud of this chapter. It's really messy, but it's the writer's block. Next time I promise a better chapter. **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: So, second chapter in two days. Hope this one is less messy than yesterday's. Review, tips and stuff are welcome. Hope you enjoy today's update. :)**

Olivia took a few days off from work, to avoid Casey. She was actually heartbroken. She wondered how Casey was doing, but she didn't want to call, in case she was seeing someone else. She didn't want to know if Casey had gone on. Herself, she wasn't really ready to commit to anyone. She didn't know if she was ready to commit Casey. She never really committed to someone, so she didn't really know how it was to actually commit. To love someone unconditionally. To many people had left her, to really know how relationships work. The only people she knew longer than ten years, were work-related.

Olivia stared at the ceiling, lying in her bed. She didn't change her clothes since she had laid herself on the bed, which was three days ago. She just laid there, thinking about why she left Casey, why she didn't fight harder to keep her. Casey was damaged. Was surely scared to commit to someone. Or she didn't just want Olivia. Maybe she thought Olivia was too distant. Except, Olivia was very attached when it came to cases. Maybe not so attached to her favorite Case. She felt her stomach ache, but she didn't mind. The ache in her stomach was nothing compared to the hurt she felt in her heart. She missed Casey. Everything about her. Her red locks, her beautiful soft lips, her nice eyes.. her touch.. The more Olivia thought about it, the more she regretted it she didn't chase after Casey.

* * *

Couple of miles away, Casey was in her apartment. She was dressing up to go out for dinner with the girl she met in therapy. Her name was Lisa. Casey needed to talk to someone about Olivia. She didn't know how to deal with it, on top of all the problems she already had. The rape, the assault. The second assault. The fact that Olivia almost died in an attempt to save Casey. She didn't know how to deal with them when she was with Olivia, now she was totally lost. She kicked Olivia out of her apartment. She couldn't stand to see her face and not love her. Not being able to hold her, stroke her hair, kiss her lips. She couldn't bear the face of Olivia's lost soul. She knew Olivia didn't want to break up. Casey didn't want it either, but they had so much to figure out.

She heard knocking on her door. She quickly finished her hair and went to answer the door.

"Hey," she smiled to Lisa, who hugged Casey tight.

"Hey, you. You look miserable. As if you've been crying all day." Lisa wasn't the type of girl who always came to the point, and also told the truth. She was reliable, Casey noticed. And really smart. But she had a lot of problems. And that for a person who was just about twenty years old. A little too young for Casey, though, but she didn't mind so much. Lisa looked a lot older, and certainly behaved older. She went through a lot. She had brown, curly hair and green eyes with some brown in it. Really nice eyes, Casey thought. As if you could look into her soul. She knew from earlier meetings that Lisa wasn't as open to anybody else, as she was to Casey. She told Casey a lot. Lisa told her once, she had trust issues. She was afraid to rely on someone. To be really depended on someone. She was hurt by so many people, in so many ways, that Casey admired the fact that Lisa didn't kill herself. A lot people would have.

She was glad she didn't, though. She had the feeling she could really talk about her problems. Her fear of walking down the streets, overlooking everything. Check every few seconds if she wasn't followed by some creepy guy. She could talk to Olivia.. The thought of Olivia stabbed right through Casey's ribs. The thought of Olivia, and the fact that Casey let her go, was so hurtful. She asked Lisa to come, so she could be a little distracted from the pain. But she also knew that Lisa would want to talk about it. She could read Casey so well. Casey didn't tell Lisa about Olivia and Casey though. She wanted to keep it a secret. She thought Olivia should have a say in it. Maybe she wanted nobody to know she loved a woman. Casey wasn't sure she was a lesbian. She called it to herself bisexual. She didn't know if she didn't like guys. She figured out that she liked women before, though.

She also kissed some girls a few times when she was young, but that was in college, and she was really drunk or something. She didn't know she actually liked them. Sure, she almost married a guy. And she never had a relationship with a woman. But that didn't mean that she wasn't into women, right? She really loved Olivia, but was it just sister love, or just real good friends love, or was she really sexual attractive? She thought the last one. She felt it a long time ago, and now it was not any different.

"So, it looks like a good idea to me, to just stay here. You seem you need to talk about stuff. Personal stuff. Not meant to be heard by some waiters." she winked at Casey. Casey didn't really know if she wanted to talk. Maybe she just played she was okay, but the idea of just ordering food and hanging around her apartment, in her pajamas wasn't a bad idea.

"Okay, what about we order some Chinese food and watch a movie?" Casey suggested. She had to say, the idea of snuggling into someone would be really attempting. Although, the right person to do that with, wasn't in her apartment. Lisa was too young. She was not allowed to touch Lisa. She was too young. Her beautiful green eyes looked into Casey's emerald eyes, as if they could look into her soul. Casey shivered a little.

"You're cold, let's get some warm sweats and a blanket, and snuggle into the couch." Lisa said.

* * *

An hour later they ate their Chinese food and laid on the couch. Casey almost laid against Lisa chest, really enjoying the warmth. She dozed a little, which caused her to slide entirely to Lisa's chest. Lisa didn't pull away, but put her arms around Casey. She stroked Casey's arm, so Casey felt immensely relaxed. She could lay there for hours. Lisa ran her fingers through Casey's hair, just like Olivia did it. The way she liked it. She almost fell asleep, but she didn't want to. She didn't have a quite good reason why she wouldn't, but she liked Lisa strokes in her hair, on her arm. She liked her warmth. She leaned in to Lisa, and kissed her lips..

**Whoa, what's gonna happen right now! Bad Casey, you belong with Olivia. We'll see. ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I skipped through my chapters, and I saw that I pretty much always my author's notes start with "so.." I guess I just watched too much Friends or something ;p I have the tendency to use that word all the time. Like the words "or something". Sorry if that annoys you. ;p It's been a while since I updated this story, but after a few weeks, there's finally one. That's my present for you on my birthday today. **

Lisa pulled away. "What are you doing?" she whispered.

"I eh.. Don't know. The feeling was just right there. And I acted on it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Lisa. I.. I didn't mean to.. I mean I.." Casey stumbled.

"It's okay, Case.. I don't mind. I kissed girls before. I'm bisexual you know. And I think you are really attractive too. It's just that you are obviously in love with Olivia. And you want to ease the pain to kiss me. Don't you? That won't be right. I think."

"I.. don't know." Casey was speechless. She didn't know what she wanted. She didn't know if she wanted to get back together with Olivia yet, or just see how it goes and just mess around a bit. She knew Lisa wouldn't be just a fling, but it wouldn't be an actual relationship either. Maybe you could call it more like a 'friends with benefits' thing. She didn't know. She knew she wasn't just ready for a steady relationship. She had to sort things out, get everything together. She was attacked and she recently discovered she might be into women.

"Do you like me?" Casey asked, looking deeply into Lisa's eyes. Lisa turned red, directly giving away her answer, but Casey wanted to hear the answer.

"Hmm.. Let's say.. I have a thing for older, redheaded women.. And besides, I like sarcasm.. And we can talk.. A lot.. About everything. So, I guess." Lisa smiled weakly. "So, I would love to kiss you back, but I have to know if it's just a one time thing, or not, because I don't think I can bear knowing how you taste and not be able to kiss you. But that's on you I guess." She looked down, avoiding Casey's gaze.

Casey kissed Lisa again, but this time she responded. She kissed her back, and ran her tongue across Casey's bottom lip, asking for entrance. Casey ran her hand across Lisa's side.. But Lisa pulled away again.

"I cannot do this. You are in love with Olivia.. You will never feel the same about me as you do for her. You don't see me that way. And I consider you one of my best friends. I don't want to lose you over this."

"You're right. It's not the right thing to do."

"Besides, it's no good for you to be devoted to me. I'm no good for you. I'm all dark and damaged. My past put my life in the shadows. You know that. You know my issues. You know that I can be really depressed, hurting myself. Pushing people away and stuff. I will treat you like crap. Nobody has ever had the power to stay in touch with me. People had never stayed friends with me for a long time. They couldn't handle me. Dark and twisty me. They bullied and humiliated me. You will be infected by my misery. You cannot handle that right now. Not in this state of mind. You were attacked. You weren't born this way. You will get over this. This mess you're in. The misery. The hurt. I have to live my life like this. It's been like all my life, I get depressed, want to die, get real dark. Then it goes away, out of nowhere, and gets back in a couple of weeks, maybe months. I've never been happy for so long. I'm so fucked up. You don't deserve that right now. No one deserves me and my misery."

Lisa's eyes were all teary, but she wiped away her tears and stood up.

"I'm going away. I'm not gonna stay and watch you become more depressed. I'm no good for you."

She walked out of the door, leaving an awkward silence.

* * *

It's been half an hour since Lisa left, and Casey haven't moved since. She didn't know what to do. Should she be chase after her? She didn't know if she really wanted that. What should she do?

* * *

Olivia was lying on the couch, watching TV. She wasn't really watching, she just needed some company, but not real company. She didn't want to talk to someone. She wanted to drown in someone else's sorrows, not in her own. She didn't like to worry about herself. She felt empty. She missed Casey more than anything. She heard a knock on the door. A little reluctant, she got off the couch and walked to the door. She was really surprised when she saw Casey standing. But she wasn't just standing. She looked as horrible as Olivia has ever seen Casey. She reached a whole new level of suffering. She looked even worse than when she got attacked. She was mad, but this. She wasn't mad, Olivia could tell. She wasn't crying, but this was far more menacing.

"What happened, sweetie?" Olivia put her arm around Casey's back and guided her inside, because Casey didn't seem to know what to do next. She just stood in the doorway, staring, with empty eyes.

"Lisa.. she.." Casey started to cry. "I cannot say it.. She.."

Olivia shivered and stroked Casey's back, to comfort her. "You can tell me, you know. Just.. calm down a bit and tell me." She kissed Casey softly on her temple.

"She came by tonight. And she said all those things. About being depressed. And then she left. And I went after her half an hour later. And when I got in her apartment... she.. she slit her wrists. There was blood, everywhere. She killed herself, Olivia. She.. is dead.."

Casey started to cry really hard this time. It hurt Olivia to the bone, because she never heard Casey like this. Never saw so much pain, and grief at this girl.

"Why did she do this?" Casey choked up.

"I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. She wasn't happy, I guess. Stuck in a dark place, didn't know how to get out of it."

Suddenly, Casey's cell phone rang..


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So, another one today. I hope you like it.**

It's been a week since Lisa died, and Olivia had stayed by Casey's side. The funeral was yesterday, and there were more people than Olivia expected. Casey always talked about Lisa as if Lisa was alone. But she understood better now, because Lisa felt lonely. She was trapped in her own world, her own misery. Olivia heard the stories from Casey, and she guessed Lisa suffered from bipolar depressions. There were no direct causes. They just came, and went away again. She was really dark. She also cut herself. The other night, Casey came back home, from being interviewed by some cops, to tell her story. She was the one who found Lisa. All covered in blood. Olivia dreamed about Casey, all covered in blood, in tears, with Lisa. Casey told Olivia, Lisa left her a note, but Casey didn't want to say what was on it so far. Olivia thought that Lisa was more to Casey than just a friend.

"Liv, can I talk to you about something?" It was Casey, she didn't talk all day to Olivia, but she was used to it. She figured it's better to let Casey grieve. And Casey was not hers, so she couldn't force her to talk.

"Yeah, of course, Case. You know that. I love you. I still love you, you know? If you don't want me as your lover, I just love you as a friend, but I do. You can talk to me about everything."

"I kissed Lisa. Right before she killed herself." Casey didn't look Olivia in the eyes. She looked at the ground. As a little kid, who did something wrong, but didn't want to face his parents, because the punishment would be very severe.

"Casey.. I.." Olivia didn't exactly know what to say. It was what she thought. She knew there was more between the two. That's why she was so upset. "It's okay. We weren't together anymore. You didn't cheat on me." But she was in pain. It hurt her, but she won't admit it to Casey. She had to be strong for her. She couldn't yell at her. Besides, it was true. They weren't together anymore. "Did you two more than that?"

"You, it was just a kiss. I couldn't. She couldn't. She loved me. She was in love with me. She told me. She knew I loved you, and she thought she didn't deserve. I didn't deserve her misery. She was too dark for me. She made that clear. That's when she left." She sighed. Olivia saw tears in her eyes again. Her lip trembled a bit, so Olivia put her hand on Casey's chin and ran her finger across her lip. "She.. she left m.. me.. a note.. that said.. 'I hope you get Olivia back over this. I love you and I'm sorry. I can't take it anymore. I hope you understand.' It was written in her terrible handwriting. But she did this.. for me. Because she always told me that her father told her that, if you don't see the meaning of life, don't see the reason to say alive, live your life, and you don't want to live for yourself anymore, you have to live for other ones. People you love and love you back. Because you hurt them when you're gone. You break the people by killing yourself. I learned a lot from her, because I was in a dark place too. I lived for you. I don't have much to hold on to, except of you. And I had her. Clearly she thought she was more useful dead this time. It's my fault she killed herself. If I was still with you, she might have not killed herself. She might be alive. It's my fault Olivia. It's all mine."

She started crying again. So hard she couldn't even breathe. So hard she had to vomit. She collapsed on the floor. She hit her head to the floor, to cause herself pain, but Olivia couldn't watch this. She grabbed Casey from the floor and carried her to the couch. She wrapped her arms around Casey, really tight, because she knew people could calm down if they were in a small place. Casey put her face in the crook of Olivia's shoulder and cried and cried. She couldn't stop. Olivia stroked her back. They stayed like this for several hours, till Casey regained her breathe again. Her eyes were almost as red as her hair, but Olivia didn't care. She thought that Casey was still beautiful, but she hated to see Casey this way. All hurt and stuff.

"It's not your fault. Really. She was just too depressed to see the end of the tunnel. You couldn't do anything about it." Olivia said, while she quickly kissed Casey's temple. "It's not your fault, honey."

"I didn't mean to kiss her, Liv. I still love you. I don't know what to do with it. I've never loved women before. I don't know how to act on it. Do you know that? I don't know. I love you more than I ever loved someone. Or even something, and I commit easy to stuff. That scares me so much. I don't know how to deal with it. I have to deal with all these feelings, and the attack, and now Lisa's death. I didn't know her that long, but I knew her well. I could talk about this stuff with her. I could talk about everything. She knew I loved you, because I told her. I talked about her. I couldn't talk to you. I don't know why. Maybe because you do this for a living. Maybe I was just scared you didn't like me anymore, if I told you how scared I still am. I'm scared of men, who look like my attacker. I still am. I still of relive the feeling of being attacked when I see someone like him. And believe me, there are a lot of men who look like him. I'm scared all the time. And with these feelings, I'm even more scared. Do you understand? I'm not making any sense, but at least you know how I feel right know. I'm suffocating. But Lisa wanted me to open up to you. She wanted me to do that. So here I am opening up to you, and saying all these things, and you just look at me like you see water burning."

"No, I'm glad. I'm glad you're opening up. And you are making sense to me. Really. I quite understand. I've been down. I've been attacked. I know how you must feel. I want to help you, Case, but you have to let me. I love you so much. I'm not scared to commit to you, but you have to let me. I will get you through the misery. I will protect you from the villains, attacker, rapists. God, I protect you from dinosaurs if they were haunting you. I would do anything to make you feel like you're save. And I will move heaven for you to make you happy. Because when you smile, I feel like everything is going to be okay. Your nice green eyes tell me it's gonna be okay."

"I'll let you try. I love you, Olivia Benson." Casey kissed Olivia's lips, tender and soft and full of hope..


End file.
